Zenfull Heart | September 17, 2026
I have had some things going on in my 3D personal life lately that needed my attention, and honestly, there is one particular thing I have been putting off for way too long. Ironically, it has everything to do with abundance.
Money has been coming up a lot for me lately because I am trying to create money in new ways. I am working on my shirt business, building my coaching, learning new modalities, and at the same time trying not to lose myself inside all of the doing. I still want to be me. I want to continue spreading kindness through the hug movement, loving myself, loving other people, showing compassion, and actually living the life I worked so hard to create instead of becoming completely consumed by trying to make money.
Underneath all of that, though, there is still some anxiety around money that I know I am working through.
This particular situation involves paperwork, documents, phone calls, forms, deadlines, and all of those wonderful little 3D hoops we have to jump through. I already received an extension on it, yet somehow, I still felt almost paralyzed every time I thought about dealing with it. I do not completely understand why. Maybe there is insecurity or fear underneath it. Could be generational stuff, or old programming around money and the belief that something can suddenly be taken away from me. Whatever it is, I can feel it come up in my body and in my thoughts. There is the anxiousness, the avoidance, the fear of doing something wrong, missing something, not understanding something, or somehow losing the financial support that is helping me continue this journey while I build the life and business I actually want.
Today was the deadline.
For the past few days I had been trying to reach someone because I needed clarification on one of the forms, and I could not get through. Yesterday I finally started moving through some of it anyway. I went to the library and printed documents, then went to UPS and faxed what I had. Today I needed to do more of the same, except somewhere along the way I realized I could not find my wallet.
I am actually not terribly worried about the wallet because I am pretty sure it is somewhere around the house, but because I do not have a local library card, they normally need my ID before they will let me use the computer. Thankfully, the woman working there remembered me from yesterday and told me she would let me use it this one time. I was grateful, printed what I needed, and headed out feeling pretty good.
I had also made plans for myself that evening. I was going to get my eyebrows done and then go to yoga. I had gotten dressed, put on earrings and a necklace, wore a nice tank top, and had my yoga pants underneath my pants so I could go from one thing to the next. I felt beautiful. Okay, minus the eyebrows, because those were definitely overdue, but I felt good. I was excited to get out of the house, do something for myself, and have an evening that felt nourishing for my mind, body, and soul.
Then I got a message saying yoga was canceled because the instructor was having car trouble.
At first I thought, okay, that is fine. Plans change. Maybe this means I do not have to rush. I can go get my eyebrows done, take my time, and enjoy the evening differently. I actually really like this yoga instructor, and she had already offered me another free week, which in itself felt like another little reminder that abundance is not always money showing up in your bank account.
Then I got to UPS to fax the rest of the paperwork, and the fax machine would not work.
The employee seemed relatively new and was there by herself. I could hear the worry in her voice while she was trying to figure out what was wrong, and what stood out to me afterward was how calm I was with her. I kept telling her not to worry about it. Technology does not need my anger. Getting upset with her or the machine was not going to make the fax go through any faster.
She did refunded my money, and even then I found myself trying to look at it differently. There is still one document I need more information about, so maybe tomorrow I will finally reach the person I have been trying to call and everything will go together the way it is supposed to.
That was what I was saying on the outside, but if I am honest, underneath that calmness there was still fear. This was the deadline, and I could feel those old thoughts starting to creep in. I should have done this last week. Why did I wait? Why could I not figure this out sooner? What if they take this away? What am I going to do then?
For a moment, it felt like all of that financial fear had its hands around my future.
The truth on paper right now is that I am still spending more each month than I am creating through my businesses. I do not want to shame myself for saying that, and I also do not want to pretend it is not true. Both things can exist at the same time. I can acknowledge that I want to create more financial abundance while also recognizing how incredibly abundant my life already is. I know money will flow to me in many ways when I don’t fear it, living in lack and drought money abundance will ever come to me cause it will!
House sits continue lining up beautifully. I have places to live without paying rent. Opportunities keep appearing. People help me. Things work out in ways I could never have planned. There are so many places in my life where resources, support, love, kindness, and even money continue to flow to me.
I know I am ready for the way I create money to change. I want the money abundance to flow to me because of the woman I am today and what I am building now, instead of continuing to be connected so much to things from my past. Maybe that is part of what all of this paperwork and fear is really touching inside of me.
Because the fax situation took longer than expected, I realized I was also going to be late for my eyebrow appointment. I did not want to leave somebody waiting around for me, so I messaged her and canceled. Just like that, the entire evening I had pictured disappeared. No eyebrows. No yoga. No little night out that I had been looking forward to. I got into the car and cried a little on the way home.
It was not really about getting my eyebrows done, and it was not because missing one yoga class was some devastating event. I think I cried because I had genuinely been excited to take myself somewhere. I had gotten dressed, put on jewelry, made plans, looked in the mirror, and felt beautiful. I had something waiting for me outside of the house, and suddenly I was driving straight back home instead.
I pulled into the garage while it was still daylight, even though I had expected to come home after dark, and when I walked back into my pet sit house, the quiet hit differently. That loneliness showed up again. I changed into my pajamas immediately, although I will give myself credit because I actually hung my clothes back up instead of throwing them into a pile like I used to. Small victories count too.
I thought maybe I would curl up on the couch with the dogs and watch a movie. I was in the mood for one of those movies where you can just cry and let everything move through you. Then I realized I do not even know how to work the television here because I almost never watch TV. I never asked where the remote was, what subscriptions they have, or how any of it works. Of course that would be the night I suddenly wanted to sit on the couch with a good emotional movie playing, hugging the dogs. Somewhere in the middle of all of this, though, I started realizing how differently I respond to myself now.
Years ago, an evening like this would have turned into a complete attack on myself.
I cannot believe you lost your wallet.
I cannot believe you waited until the deadline.
I cannot believe you missed your appointment.
You should have done this sooner.
You could have done that differently
. Should have, could have, should have, could have. I lived inside that language for a very long time. Tonight, I am disappointed, a little lonely, and still working through some financial fear, but I am not beating the hell out of myself for being human.
That matters
Maybe there was some reason the evening changed. Maybe, like the other day when I accidentally locked myself out of my pet sit, there are things happening that I will never completely understand. Maybe I missed something I was not supposed to be around, or maybe nothing dramatic or spiritual happened at all. Maybe sometimes fax machines just do not work, yoga instructors have car trouble, and plans fall apart.
Either way, I trust myself differently now.
I trust that things can go wrong without everything being wrong. I trust that one deadline or one difficult day does not define my future. I trust that abundance can already be present in my life while I am still learning how to create more financial abundance in ways that align with who I am becoming. Most importantly, I am learning that when life changes the plan, I do not have to turn against myself.
Tonight looks nothing like the night I pictured when I got dressed earlier, but maybe that is where some of the deepest evidence of healing actually lives. Not in creating a life where everything finally goes perfectly, but in becoming someone who can move through the imperfect moments without abandoning herself.
