For most of my life, I was waiting.
I didn't call it that back then. I called it hoping, or trying, or holding on, or being patient, but underneath all of it I was simply waiting.
I was waiting to feel chosen, to feel safe, and for someone to finally see the love I had been trying so hard to give. I was always waiting for the promises to become consistent, and for the apologies to be sincere. Ultimately, I see that I was waiting for the people around me to become who I hoped they could be, and it seemed like I had been waiting since birth.
Come sit with me for a few minutes.
For a long time I told myself all of that was patience, or loyalty, or faith that things would eventually change, but it was none of those things. I was really just spending my whole life waiting, and without ever noticing it, I was slowly disappearing, until one day I had become invisible, even to myself.
What I couldn't see back then is that I wasn't only waiting for another person, I was waiting for permission. Permission to take up space, to rest, to be myself without first having to earn my place in someone else's world. I thought I had to feel like enough before I was ever allowed to begin.
And so I never really began. For years I kept believing that somebody else held the key, that one more conversation, one more chance, one more act of forgiveness might finally unlock the door. I waited for that, and it never came. Now I understand it never would have, because the door I was hoping to unlock was never somebody else's to open.
Looking back now, I can see how exhausting all of it was. I wasn't only waiting for another person to change, I was waiting to begin living my own life, and quietly handing the years away while I did it.
If you're reading this, I want to ask you something gently. What are you waiting for?
I don't mean it in the big, scary way that question usually gets asked, but in the quiet way. Who are you still waiting to be chosen by, and what are you telling yourself has to happen first, before you are allowed to feel safe, to begin, or to simply be who you are?
I won't promise you that it all ends the moment someone finally shows up. That is the very thing I believed, and it only kept me waiting longer. What I can tell you is that there came a day when I stopped waiting for someone else to choose me, and finally understood what I had been searching for all along.
That's where this goes next.
With love,
Zenfull Heart
Soul Messages by Sherry
