Today was the battle between my future self I am becoming and the old programming about my own worth that has not let go of me yet.
Zenfull Heart | September 5, 2026
There is a word I keep coming back to lately and it is not lonely. The word is aloneness. They sound like the same thing and they are not, and I have been sitting inside the difference all day.
Aloneness is what happens when you know that you are fulfilled inside and out for the most part, when you know that you are on your path and on your journey even though you have absolutely no idea what that really looks like in the big picture, when you feel love and gratitude for yourself and for where you have been, when you have compassion for the person you used to be and all of that past garbage has finally turned into wisdom, and you are still sitting right in the middle of it anyway.
Come sit with me for a few minutes.
For most of my life there was somebody in the house. My father, family members, other people, and later my partner, so it never really occurred to me to call what I felt lonely, and I did not have the language back then to understand that I could be surrounded by people and still be facing my own aloneness inside every one of those rooms. I have written about the loneliness before, but this is the quieter one underneath it. Now I am on the soul journey, I am a traveling pet sitter, a life coach, I am building the HUG Movement and putting more love into the world than I ever have, and I still meet these same things every single day.
Today I did not stay at the market very long to give hugs. The energy was not quite where I wanted it to be and I was nervous because of last weekend, and I will be honest with you, being back in America is a new experience for me doing the HUGS and I feel more fear standing out in public here than I did in Mexico where I did not even speak the language.
It took me a while to get out of the house. Then it took me a while walking up and down the market to decide where I wanted to stand, where it felt comfortable and okay and where there was some shade. And then when I finally set up my tripod and had everything ready, I stood there for a while just getting up the courage to unveil my sign.
I also did not put the effort into this week that I wanted to. I forgot my bluetooth speaker. I wanted two signs and I still have not finished the second one. I wanted to find somebody with a chalkboard so I could write Abrazos Gratis, and I wanted the other side to simply say Free Hugs in English because I am not sure that people here understand the Spanish means the same thing. In Mexico it did not seem to matter, they leaned in because it was their language, and even though I did not truly understand their language the energy was so much different there.
So I removed myself from the market and I went home, and home is an interesting concept for me. I say home because I pet sit for a living and it is my temporary home with beautiful animals in beautiful places around the world.
Then I realized that I wanted to go out. I was really craving a burger and I had not had one in a few weeks, so I looked up a place close by and I drove there. It had a bar and I was going to sit at the bar and have my burger, and I brought my journal because I was going to write. I got there and it was this giant restaurant and the parking lot was packed, but had parking spots and I left.
I left because I am still learning how to include myself. I have made gigantic shifts and big moves and I am so proud of who I am becoming compared to who I was, and I still could not park my vehicle and walk into that restaurant, even though I had on nice clothes and I genuinely wanted to go in and enjoy a meal.
Maybe some of that was the money fear that I am facing right now, but that is not the underlying factor. The underlying factor is the aloneness. If somebody had been with me I would have walked into that restaurant happily, and even if we had sat at the bar it would have been great. I just could not do it by myself today.
I do not guilt myself for that. I do not shame myself for it either. I came back and I ate the frozen pizza I had from last weekend, and this is honestly who I authentically want to be, somebody who stops and pauses and reflects, who is willing to look at her own journey out loud so that somebody else can get through theirs.
I really did want that burger. Part of me thought that maybe there would be somebody there to spark a conversation with so the aloneness would not be in my face, and it being Labor Day weekend everything is busy and full, and instead here I was eating pizza and enjoying the company of the dogs I am sitting for, alone, because the aloneness struck.
I probably will not work much for the rest of today because I am learning to regulate my nervous system and to pause, and I did not sleep well last night so I will most likely go take a nap, which is a lifestyle I fell into in Mexico and one that I am keeping here.
So if you are reading this from inside your own version of this day, I want you to know that you have value even when you cannot see it, even when it is hard to get out of bed in the morning, and that you are so worthy and you are loved and there is abundance all around you when we bring ourselves back inward. I am thankful for my fingers and my arms, that I can walk and hear and see and touch and taste, because I know many people who cannot do some of those things, who are not able to breathe properly or walk or see.
So when I am feeling the aloneness I bring it back to myself, and the truth is that I am the LOVE I have always been looking for and I know that more then anything else in the world right now. I also know that looking at another person, a friend or a stranger or anybody at all, and feeling that sense of connection and conversation, is exactly what my whole business is about. I want to bring the human connection and the authenticity back into a world that is learning to survive and thrive inside AI and technology. AI is a wonderful tool, and the humanness and the connection and the authenticity are what will actually propel people forward.
So adios for now, and know that you are beautiful just as you are.
