Zenfull Heart | a walk through Guadalajara
Hola,
I am in Guadalajara Mexico. I came here for four nights, to this big, beautiful city, and honestly my plan for my first night was small. I was going to work on my business, stay close to my hotel, and only go out to grab something to eat. A friend messaged me and something in me said, well, now you have to go out. I took my nap, I got myself ready, and I decided to come out and actually see this place instead of hiding from it.
Come walk with me for a few minutes.
There is a mall near my hotel and I wanted to feel the nightlife a little. The high end shopping is not totally my vibe, but even that is absolutely beautiful here. I am outside with my cappuccino, walking around, and that is when it happened again. That quiet thing crept back in and I realized, one more time, how extremely lonely healing can be.
What a year it has been, two years, really. Before I left the Chapala area I got my first manicure and pedicure. I do my meditations, which bring in the peace and joy each day, and I am learning to enjoy my life. But still, the loneliness tapped me on the shoulder loudly and said hello. It told me it wants connection, and I hear it, but I also know I am not willing to jump into just anything. It has been over two years since my relationship ended, with all the pulling back and forth that came after. I have been on what I call my soul journey back to me because I need me first.
I will be honest with you, because I promised myself I would stop pretending. When the loneliness hits, it can be catastrophically crippling. Some days I cannot get out of my own way, or out of bed. But tonight I did something different. Instead of working, instead of saying no, instead of scrolling my life away, I said yes. Yes to my life. Yes to the peace and the quiet all around me. I let myself remember that I am truly safe, loved, held, and respected by the universal source energy. One day I will hold that partner too, but not until I am ready. Self love is the key. Self respect and self dignity come first, and everything else follows.
So tonight, instead of blocking it, I let myself feel every bit of it. I sat down on a bench and cried and let the emotions move through me. I do not run from it anymore and I do not stuff it down like I used to. I hold it, and I let myself smile anyway, because I have this freedom now, I have this life, and I have so much love for myself and for all of you. My hug movement, is exploding and this is me creating abundance within me and all around me daily.
Here is the deeper truth. I did not even understand how lonely I had been for almost my whole life, even inside my long term relationship, even with another person right there in the house. We tried. It was what we knew. It was chaos and destruction, with real loving moments of kindness and tenderness mixed in. But that is not how I want to live, and it is not how I live now. I have found so much peace and love inside myself, and I can hold two things at once.
I can be so happy that I get to live this way, and I can also be sad for the life I thought I was going to have. The home. The family. The children we both wanted and craved and prayed for and never got to hold. That was one of my unanswered prayers and as much as it aches. I know I am blessed to be free of the responsibility and the toxic cycle I had kept myself in, because it was all I knew.
So I feel so much gratitude for the chance to be free. Free to enjoy my life, and free to cry when I need to cry. The loneliness still hits when I see everybody else out walking with their children and their families. But I know that if I keep going, keep sharing, and keep loving me every single day, that will come too.
So for now, adios.
